So I moved my CSP test up to Jan 3rd, about 6 weeks sooner than the date I had to push it back to. It seems like the best day to do it, as it will be the last day of my "vacation".
The review session was awesome and intense. For whatever reason, I could feel my brain shutting down around the seventh hour of the last day. I'm always daydreaming. Usually I can snap myself back into the moment, but I notice that sometimes this happens and I miss (or almost miss) very important information. Not good. I don't know if I am being more of a pussy for wanting to take meds for this, or not bothering to setup the appointment.
A good friend of mine sent me a text the other that really hit home. See, you might think that I don't notice this stuff from my tough exterior, but I take all criticizm under consideration. I can't quote it exactly, but the jist was, "Do you do hard? When life gets hard, do you stand up and face the challenge or run?" Then of course she cited examples such as me leaving engineering school, flirting with quitting playing drums, failed relationships. It was an excellent question. "Do I do hard, because life is hard." "Stop running and start living.."
At first I was pissed. I mean, I have been through some serious shit in my life and have made it through. How many people have had to make the decision to take their mother off life support? There hasn't been a day go by that that moment hasn't haunted me. Yeah, I do hard and understand life is hard. I came so so so close to having my house repo'd because I signed a deal based on false promises from certain close people who I trusted. Did I puss out? No! I studied hard for designations that would help me make more money at work to cover my mortgage. Shit, having the house repo'd would have definitely been the easier way out. Yeah, I do hard.
But she did have a point though. I have backed down from situations when things got hard. Quitting engineering school is the biggest regret of my life. I quit cause things did get hard and I was frustrated with not being able to maintain a 3.0 GPA. Had I just known and accepted the fact that nobody gives a shit about your GPA after your second job, and "Cs get degrees", I would have finished. So she was right on that.
Basically it really made me think. "Do you do hard, because life is hard." There are a few instances in my life where I know I quit too soon when the going got tough. Next time I am thinking about quitting something, or not undertaking a daunting task, I will ask myself if my thoughts are based on the situation being undesirable, unrealistic, or just hard.
The "hard" excuse will no longer be an option.
You know Jason, as someone who also had to participate in removing her mother from life support so I know how awful it is, I think I'm learning in my journey, now five years later, that there is surviving, and there is thriving. We can push through and survive anything. Our bodies physically want to keep going. I don't know what your experience was, but my mom's body kept going for two and half days after being extabated...think of that, even our bodies want to exist, right? Then after my dad passed, I had babies to take care of, so I existed. I survived hauling those babies to my parents' empty house for repairs, to the attorney's office to settle the estate, etc. It was hard, and I had no choice. I was surviving. It's not ideal, and I wish those babies hadn't had a sad mommy for a year or two of their childhood, but I survived. But to thrive, that is a real undertaking, you know? It requires stretching ourselves beyond what we think possible. I think perhaps it may be time for you to push the barrier into thriving. I am happy to report I've made the move toward thriving, partially due to blogging to be honest, and of course lots to do with those babies, who are bigger now, and of course Ken. And I wrote a novel last month! It was the first significant writing I've done since my mom died, and it felt good to accomplish a long ignored dream.
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