So alot of changes have been happening....for better or for worse. Let's see.....broke up with same girl for the third and final time, passed my ASP safety exam, and have come to peace with where I am so far in this life.
I could talk about passing the exam, and feeling comfortable in my own skin, but nobody really gives a shit about that. People want to hear the dirt.....the break-up.......the drama.
Everytime I try to sit down and write about this, there is something holding me back, like I should keep everything really private. It is still private to an extent.
Valerie was a wonderful human being. I just can't badmouth her or bash her......I could never do that. She is just that good of a person. That being said, I still don't know what the hell happened. I know I had been spending alot of time studying......maybe that got to her? I know she wasn't crazy about me going to band practice. Her brother (cousin) Will and I butted heads. Her sister (cousin) Candy is the most despicable person that I have ever met on this planet. LOL just sayin. Her brother Tracy, and her other cousin Lori were always way cool to me. I don't know how those two could be so nice, yet the others had to be such combative assholes. It is like they went out of their way to start arguments and shit. I don't even like to argue either! So that was a major issue.
Val also said her kids did not like me. This one blew me away seeing that I made the effort to attend 3-4 of her daughter's cheerleading events, and about 4 of her son's football games. I gave them money for their birthdays and Christmas. I don't know. I don't even feel like putting in the energy trying to justify that I am a good person. I know I am........I have a heart of gold, and that is why there is no point in me writing my defense here. So, three times and we are out. Onto new adventures.
I seriously think people that are single for awhile get used to that freedom. You know, that freedom where they can come and go as they please, they don't have to work with anyone else's schedule, and they can pretty much do what they want. If you have been single for awhile, I think it is hard to adjust into a relationship where your free spirit might be compromised to an extent.
My weakness is that I have seriously always put the other person first. I just can't help it. If everyone isn't happy, than I feel responsible and then try to work that much harder to make them happy. If they are a naturally depressed or miserable person, well than it is that much harder on me. I give everything up to try to make someone happy. So when all of a sudden they are gone, there is this void left where I miss trying to help and take care of someone. I miss making someone happy. I need to channel that energy into something else. Something more productive.
Something interesting that I was thinking about the other day. Working on my ASP/CSP designations. Why do I do it? More money and a general interest in safety are the obvious choices, but I think one of the other reasons I did it was because it was something I could control. There are so many aspects in life that feel so out of control. Things definitely felt out of control in my life a few years ago but are getting better. Working on the designations seemed like one of the few things that I could really control the outcome. That was very appealing to me.
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